So you’ve been tiptoeing around the office, suspecting that your colleagues have nothing better to do than to indulge in some good old-fashioned workplace judgment?
Well, brace yourselves because I have breaking news: You’re absolutely right! They’ve got your number and are secretly tallying points in the grand game of office Olympics.
But fret not, for I’ve compiled the ultimate guide on how to shine in their critical eyes and perhaps even bag the title of “Office Superstar” – because who doesn’t need that, right?
1. Overusing Sick Days:
Every time you call in with a “sudden bout of fever”, your co-workers judge you an note it down in their “Suspect Sick Day Journal”.
Invest in a thermometer and post your daily body temperature on social media to validate your genuine illnesses. (Or you know, just save those sick days for when you’re actually sick!)
Regularly calling in sick erodes trust. Your colleagues may begin to feel the strain of covering for you, leading to resentment. They’ll also question your commitment to your role and the team.
2. Using Children As Excuses:
Little Johnny forgot his lunch for the third time this week? Convenient.
Maybe consider a kid-rental service, so even those without kids can share the fun of emergency school runs? (Or maybe manage your time better.)
While genuine emergencies happen, frequently using children as an excuse can seem as though you’re not managing your personal responsibilities effectively. This could suggest to colleagues that you prioritize work last on your list.
3. Skipping After-Work Functions:
While you’re cozying up with Netflix, your colleagues are connecting and wondering where you are.
Buy a cardboard cutout of yourself and send it as your representative. (Or maybe attend once in a while – it won’t kill you, I promise.)
Regularly avoiding after-work gatherings can imply a lack of interest in team camaraderie. Social events can strengthen work relationships and consistently avoiding them can signal detachment.
4. Oversharing Information:
We all need to know about your cousin’s aunt’s dog’s new diet. Really, we do.
Start a podcast – “Daily Chronicles of Absolutely Essential News”. (Or, take a moment and ponder: Is this TMI?)
This habit may be viewed as unprofessional and a boundary violation. Co-workers might feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by too much personal information, making the office environment awkward.
5. Poor Hygiene:
Who needs deodorant when you have, um, natural essence?
Invest in smell-o-vision, so your video calls can also benefit from your radiant aroma. (Or you know, soap. It’s a thing.)
Hygiene is a fundamental social norm, especially in confined spaces like offices. Poor personal hygiene can make shared spaces unpleasant and even be a health concern.
6. Drama, Drama, Drama:
The office isn’t a reality TV show, but if it were, you’d be the star!
Sell tickets. Embrace the spotlight. (Or maybe just… tone it down?)
Constantly being the center of or creating drama can be disruptive. It can distract from work and reduce overall productivity. It might also make you appear unprofessional.
7. Constant Pity Parties:
Everyone wants an invite to that!
Schedule them in the shared calendar, so no one misses out on the fun. (Or perhaps, seek a listening ear outside the office?)
Continually seeking attention or sympathy can wear on colleagues’ patience and empathy. They might view it as a tactic to evade responsibilities or to gain undue attention.
8. Overly Loud:
Who needs a PA system when we have you?
Record an album, “Office’s Greatest Announcements”. It’ll be a chart-topper! (Or practice your indoor voice.)
Sound distractions can severely disrupt focus. Being too loud can imply a lack of respect for the shared environment and other people’s concentration.
9. The Office Gossip:
Because knowing who eats whose lunch from the fridge is vital intel.
Start a newsletter. Call it “The Daily Whisper”. (Or perhaps, focus on your own business?)
Engaging in gossip deteriorates trust among team members. It breeds a culture of suspicion and paranoia, and colleagues might fear their confidence being broken.
10. Constantly Grooming Yourself in the Breakroom:
The breakroom – where coffee meets personal grooming rituals. Who needs a salon when you’ve got the microwave mirror reflection?
Consider setting up a pop-up beauty booth and charging your co-workers for some touch-ups during their coffee breaks. Turn that habit into a hustle! (Or maybe reserve the personal grooming for home, and let the breakroom be about, well, breaks.)
Public grooming can be seen as a breach of personal boundaries. The breakroom is a communal space meant for relaxation and informal interactions. Grooming activities there can create discomfort and make the space less inviting for others.
In all seriousness, confidence comes from being authentic and working on genuine self-improvement. And remember, everyone is too engrossed in their own world to always notice our minor slips. So, chin up, embrace your quirks, and let’s face the office with grace and humor!
